I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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