What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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