More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
