So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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