I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
