im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
