I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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