Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
