How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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