I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
