I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
