the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
