I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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