I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
