If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
