New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
