Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
