Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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