K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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