Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
