are you still at the devil's house?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
