I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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