I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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