im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
