I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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