a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
