oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
