Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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