Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
