ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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