My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Porn is love you can see.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
