its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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