I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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