Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
