you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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