I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
