Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
