I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
