i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
She's JV to your varsity
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
