dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
