Will you blow on my dice?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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