My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You are the jesus of drinking
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
