she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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