What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
