Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
