I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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