ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
