I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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