Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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