I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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