this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
