you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
