your parents love me but you hate me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
