I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Even my vagina gasped.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
