I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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