Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
