only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
