i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Randomize
