Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
